Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Getting in the Holiday Mood
My roommie gave me tickets to a great concert yesterday at Lincoln Center. It was part of the Chamber Music Society Baroque Series and featured an amazing Recorder player. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy listening to Baroque music, especially this time of the year. It definitely puts me in the holiday mood. Perhaps it's listening to Handel every Christmas Eve, or to chamber music from Vivaldi or Bach like I did last night, but I just don't think it's Christmas without some nod to the Renaissance. I was never one for a Victorian Christmas, but I can definitely jive with a Renaissance one. Hmmm...that gives me an idea...
Monday, December 7, 2009
Audible
So, I'm trying the free trial of Audible, which btw isn't all that free...I've never been one to listen to audiobooks - I think I had one cassette collection of a Star Wars book when I was 10 - so this is like venturing into a brave new world for me. My "free" book was The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I've been wanting to read this book for a while (it's been on my Amazon Wish List for some time, I just haven't purchased it yet) so I thought, "why not?"
I must say, this is a weird experience. There are so many variables to enjoying a good audiobook! What if the reader is boring? What if the audio is too low and I can't hear over the din of city life? And what's up with only getting one free book a month and having to pay exorbitant amounts of money for any additional books I want? I might as well just buy the book and enjoy that new/old book smell and have the luxury of reading over the same passage multiple times if I didn't get something. I guess I'm paying for the weightlessness...
This particular audiobook has its definite pros and cons. I can't say I'm happy with the narrator: he's a bit monotinous. But then again, maybe this isn't the best of books to listen to. It's sort of deep and satiric; I often felt like I could have "read" over the last few paragraphs again.
I'm trying one more...a novel this time. Maybe it'll be a better read/listen!
I must say, this is a weird experience. There are so many variables to enjoying a good audiobook! What if the reader is boring? What if the audio is too low and I can't hear over the din of city life? And what's up with only getting one free book a month and having to pay exorbitant amounts of money for any additional books I want? I might as well just buy the book and enjoy that new/old book smell and have the luxury of reading over the same passage multiple times if I didn't get something. I guess I'm paying for the weightlessness...
This particular audiobook has its definite pros and cons. I can't say I'm happy with the narrator: he's a bit monotinous. But then again, maybe this isn't the best of books to listen to. It's sort of deep and satiric; I often felt like I could have "read" over the last few paragraphs again.
I'm trying one more...a novel this time. Maybe it'll be a better read/listen!
The Road to Christmas
Long time no posting...again. That will be a New Year's Resolution, I'm sure...
Anyhow. I'm working furiously to get all of my Christmas gifts done and sent out before the holidays. I decided again this year to attempt to make most if not all of my gifts. I think it makes things more personal and special, but it certainly takes up a lot of time! I finished one scarf for a co-worker, but I have four more work-related projects to go, plus gifts for family and friends. I wish I could take off for like two weeks before the holidays just to get everything done! I mean, I don't have time to do anything else, like Simming, playing Assassin's Creed 2 or writing. And not to mention my personal knitting projects which have been put indefinately on hold, like my sweater, hood, and first (real) pair of gloves.
As this is a recession holiday, my decorating has become a lot more creative. Due to a work-realted event, I re-introduced myself to origami. I thought, "hey this could be pretty cool for the holidays!" So this year I'll be boasting origami christmas decorations made with gift wrap paper. So far, my ideas include a garland of cranes and a bowl filled with miniature gift boxes. (Pictures to come soon!) My roommie suggested putting origami on the tree, which could also be quite nice. Since I have a nice collection of christmas gift wrap, this is a no-expense way of decorating!
Here's to the beginning of my favorite time of year!
Anyhow. I'm working furiously to get all of my Christmas gifts done and sent out before the holidays. I decided again this year to attempt to make most if not all of my gifts. I think it makes things more personal and special, but it certainly takes up a lot of time! I finished one scarf for a co-worker, but I have four more work-related projects to go, plus gifts for family and friends. I wish I could take off for like two weeks before the holidays just to get everything done! I mean, I don't have time to do anything else, like Simming, playing Assassin's Creed 2 or writing. And not to mention my personal knitting projects which have been put indefinately on hold, like my sweater, hood, and first (real) pair of gloves.
As this is a recession holiday, my decorating has become a lot more creative. Due to a work-realted event, I re-introduced myself to origami. I thought, "hey this could be pretty cool for the holidays!" So this year I'll be boasting origami christmas decorations made with gift wrap paper. So far, my ideas include a garland of cranes and a bowl filled with miniature gift boxes. (Pictures to come soon!) My roommie suggested putting origami on the tree, which could also be quite nice. Since I have a nice collection of christmas gift wrap, this is a no-expense way of decorating!
Here's to the beginning of my favorite time of year!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Reflections on The Mind of Clover
Robert Aiken writes in his book in regards to the Sixth Grave Precept:
“Almost all of us respond immaturely to others and cling to the bushes and grasses we have created. We say, ‘He is a woman-chaser; she is lazy; that other person is aloof,’ and we react to these people accordingly. We distrust the woman-chaser; we avoid giving the lazy one an important task; and we turn our own resentment and aloofness onto the withdrawn person.”
How difficult is it to maintain Right Thought and Right Speech in the world of office politics? I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis by the energy and emotions of my co-workers and the constant gossiping that goes on. I admit that, over time, I have fallen more and more from my own moral views and have engaged in this behavior along with them.
As I was reading this chapter of the book, I kept thinking back to my work situation, the issues with my supervisors and the low morale of the department. I can readily admit that I respond immaturely to my supervisors in that I have labeled them. But, what does one do in the face of inefficiency and irresponsibility? In many areas they are clearly at fault, to the detriment of the department’s overall performance. I always maintain the practice of faulting myself first and others second, but when the faults continue to mount, one on top of the other, it becomes quite difficult not to become immature. I keep thinking to myself “why have I let it get this bad? Shouldn’t I have said something before?” I think, ultimately, I do not yet have a firm grasp of the protocol of office politics. At what point can one discuss short-comings with a senior officer? When is it appropriate to do so?
I had stated before that I have become quite self-indulgent in stirring the malcontent within the department. Now that the wheel has been set in motion, I don’t know how to stop it, or if it even should be stopped. I think my hope is that, as a department, we will all become more open and honest with one another, that we will development an environment that nurtures such honesty without the stress or fear of retaliation. We are all adults and professionals; we should act as such. The mind sometimes does not mature as quickly as the body; though I am 26, sometimes I act as if I were 15. Perhaps I can say of myself that my rebellious stage has come later in life.
“Almost all of us respond immaturely to others and cling to the bushes and grasses we have created. We say, ‘He is a woman-chaser; she is lazy; that other person is aloof,’ and we react to these people accordingly. We distrust the woman-chaser; we avoid giving the lazy one an important task; and we turn our own resentment and aloofness onto the withdrawn person.”
How difficult is it to maintain Right Thought and Right Speech in the world of office politics? I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis by the energy and emotions of my co-workers and the constant gossiping that goes on. I admit that, over time, I have fallen more and more from my own moral views and have engaged in this behavior along with them.
As I was reading this chapter of the book, I kept thinking back to my work situation, the issues with my supervisors and the low morale of the department. I can readily admit that I respond immaturely to my supervisors in that I have labeled them. But, what does one do in the face of inefficiency and irresponsibility? In many areas they are clearly at fault, to the detriment of the department’s overall performance. I always maintain the practice of faulting myself first and others second, but when the faults continue to mount, one on top of the other, it becomes quite difficult not to become immature. I keep thinking to myself “why have I let it get this bad? Shouldn’t I have said something before?” I think, ultimately, I do not yet have a firm grasp of the protocol of office politics. At what point can one discuss short-comings with a senior officer? When is it appropriate to do so?
I had stated before that I have become quite self-indulgent in stirring the malcontent within the department. Now that the wheel has been set in motion, I don’t know how to stop it, or if it even should be stopped. I think my hope is that, as a department, we will all become more open and honest with one another, that we will development an environment that nurtures such honesty without the stress or fear of retaliation. We are all adults and professionals; we should act as such. The mind sometimes does not mature as quickly as the body; though I am 26, sometimes I act as if I were 15. Perhaps I can say of myself that my rebellious stage has come later in life.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Movie-Watching and Anarchy
Michael Moore’s newest political commentary came out this past weekend, Capitalism: A love Story, and I went to see it with one of my good friends. It seems that, every so often, some event comes by that forces me to re-align myself. This was definitely one of those events. Overall, Capitalism is probably one if not the best film Moore has done. But beyond that, it really synthesized for me a lot of smaller events that have occurred and made me really sit down and evaluate myself a little more.
For example, my sister was in town two weeks ago and we went to an anarchist bookstore to find some new literature for her to read and possibly relate to her dissertation. My first thought on entering was “wow, this is some serious reading”. But, in hindsight, it’s interesting that I would have such a response, considering I completed an interdisciplinary major which included studies of Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, philosophy, religious art and architecture and Japanese language. This from a girl who historically has been a hard core reader. It makes me wonder what has transpired in the past months that has drawn me so drastically away from “serious reading” to yaoi manga, almost exclusively. Can it be simply explained away by stress at work, or an over-compulsion to relax? I don’t think so.
The second thought I had was more a feeling of unease. Typically I feel this way when around my sister – she is self-admittedly an anarchist – and I haven’t really taken the time to figure out the source. When all is said and done, I think I would have to label my political views as leaning towards anarchy as well, but, perhaps because of its historical connotations, I don’t like anarchy. Perhaps I should say that I take issue with anarchy for anarchy’s sake. I definitely believe that we need to break down the capitalistic system that has enslaved us and kept us blissfully unaware of our chains. But something must come out of that – there must be re-development after the fall. Capitalism spoke to this a bit in that the status quo of big business-run government needs to come to an end. But my problem arises in that, I don’t feel that I practice what I preach. Can one truly be anti-establishment and still run out and buy the latest tech gear? Or spend hours on end fruitlessly playing video games and reading manga? I find it a difficult task to balance the two.
But if I have to think about it, my entire being screams “anarchist”. I mean, this may very well have been the way I was taught to think in school, or it may just be my personality. Myers Briggs-wise, I’m an “Architect”; I restructure and re-imagine the status quo. I do this in almost every aspect of my life. I do it with knitting and crocheting by refusing to follow patterns. I do it at work by constantly questioning and defying my supervisor. I do it in cooking by not following recipes. But mostly, I think of the workplace situation. Whether intentionally or not, I think that I have taken people’s disillusionment and malcontent and roused it into a full-out uprising. The question is, is this for the good of the whole or for my own personal satisfaction? Probably the two are not mutually exclusive. Some days I feel that this is my calling – to disrupt the order, to rouse the masses out of their sloth into action. Wow…how incredibly self-serving. I feel like I need to apologize to my co-workers. But then again, the two are not mutually exclusive.
After watching Michael Moore’s movie, I feel that I should go back to the anarchist bookstore and check out some of the titles that jumped out to me. I should also go back to exploring my Christian-Buddhist philosophy and temper my ego. And perhaps I should focus my behaviors towards more productive projects.
For example, my sister was in town two weeks ago and we went to an anarchist bookstore to find some new literature for her to read and possibly relate to her dissertation. My first thought on entering was “wow, this is some serious reading”. But, in hindsight, it’s interesting that I would have such a response, considering I completed an interdisciplinary major which included studies of Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, philosophy, religious art and architecture and Japanese language. This from a girl who historically has been a hard core reader. It makes me wonder what has transpired in the past months that has drawn me so drastically away from “serious reading” to yaoi manga, almost exclusively. Can it be simply explained away by stress at work, or an over-compulsion to relax? I don’t think so.
The second thought I had was more a feeling of unease. Typically I feel this way when around my sister – she is self-admittedly an anarchist – and I haven’t really taken the time to figure out the source. When all is said and done, I think I would have to label my political views as leaning towards anarchy as well, but, perhaps because of its historical connotations, I don’t like anarchy. Perhaps I should say that I take issue with anarchy for anarchy’s sake. I definitely believe that we need to break down the capitalistic system that has enslaved us and kept us blissfully unaware of our chains. But something must come out of that – there must be re-development after the fall. Capitalism spoke to this a bit in that the status quo of big business-run government needs to come to an end. But my problem arises in that, I don’t feel that I practice what I preach. Can one truly be anti-establishment and still run out and buy the latest tech gear? Or spend hours on end fruitlessly playing video games and reading manga? I find it a difficult task to balance the two.
But if I have to think about it, my entire being screams “anarchist”. I mean, this may very well have been the way I was taught to think in school, or it may just be my personality. Myers Briggs-wise, I’m an “Architect”; I restructure and re-imagine the status quo. I do this in almost every aspect of my life. I do it with knitting and crocheting by refusing to follow patterns. I do it at work by constantly questioning and defying my supervisor. I do it in cooking by not following recipes. But mostly, I think of the workplace situation. Whether intentionally or not, I think that I have taken people’s disillusionment and malcontent and roused it into a full-out uprising. The question is, is this for the good of the whole or for my own personal satisfaction? Probably the two are not mutually exclusive. Some days I feel that this is my calling – to disrupt the order, to rouse the masses out of their sloth into action. Wow…how incredibly self-serving. I feel like I need to apologize to my co-workers. But then again, the two are not mutually exclusive.
After watching Michael Moore’s movie, I feel that I should go back to the anarchist bookstore and check out some of the titles that jumped out to me. I should also go back to exploring my Christian-Buddhist philosophy and temper my ego. And perhaps I should focus my behaviors towards more productive projects.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Weekend Surprise
So I took my mother to see Star Trek 2009 for Mother's Day. A nice surprise for me, I didn't realize she was that into the series. But she loved it, and so did I! Great special effects...I only wish they could redo First Contact with modern-day effects...
With two good summer movies out already (Wolverine and Star Trek) the summer is looking promising. I hope that the trend continues into the coming months; I need a break from the stress of work!
With two good summer movies out already (Wolverine and Star Trek) the summer is looking promising. I hope that the trend continues into the coming months; I need a break from the stress of work!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
An Over-Creative Mind
It seems that I enjoy having multiple projects going at once, even if it means not completing any of them. Perhaps especially since it means not completing any of them. When it comes to my writing, it seems that I love spending all my time expanding on stories that pop into my head and almost no time actually writing. That tends to be a problem when one considers oneself a writer. I find that I’m very good at creating excuses for myself: I can’t find my flash drive, I’m having writer’s block, I can’t work without my map, I don’t like where this is going, etc., etc. Meanwhile, I allow days, weeks and sometimes months to go by without any attempt at writing at all. This is an extreme lack of discipline on my part. I’ve thought a long time about why I don’t like to sit and write, but the best I can come up with is this: I fear that if I write every day it will feel like work and not fun. But this seems a very weak argument to me. I think it’s better to say that no excuse is a good excuse. I bought a journal so that, in those times I am not near a computer, I can still write. But even without a journal, I should write on whatever I can find! Napkins if need be!
Currently I’m working on a psychological thriller, a fantasy and a fanfic. The fanfic is the easiest of the group and I should just take an afternoon and finish that off. The other two…therein lies the problem. I’ve never written a fantasy before, but it seems like a massive undertaking. I’m working on maps and glossaries and spending time making up mythologies and culture. I mean, I feel like I’m back in school researching for a history paper. If that were the only aspect of this project, I’d actually really enjoy it. But I have to keep reminding myself that beyond all this “researching” is a story that needs to be written.
I’m doing similar researching for the psychological thriller. My biggest problem with that story is that, for the most part, the entire action is between two characters who, despite my best efforts, have a certain level of chemistry together. Unwanted chemistry. Though many have told me to just let it go where it wants to go, I can’t. I know where this story is supposed to go in my head, and it’s not supposed to go there. I just need to stay focused on the plot and ignore everything else. It seems that writing that story is the least amusing part of my hobby, and the most like work. I sometimes feel like I’m pulling teeth – writing and deleting and re-writing – just to get a paragraph down. I would hate to give up on this one – I think it’s a really intriguing and original story – but I just don’t know how to salvage it.
Well, here’s hoping that I do actually find my flash drive so that I don’t have to re-write those chapters I’m working on! I should also re-instate my dream diary, but that's for another post.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Caspian's First Movie!!!
This is a short clip of pictures collected over the first 8 months that Caspian has come to stay with us! His one year anniversary is quickly approaching. It seems like he's been a part of my household forever - I can't believe it's just been one year! I'm on the search for a good vet to take him for his yearly checkup...don't know why it's so hard to find good pet doctors.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Book Review: Our Appointment with Life
Our Appointment with Life: Discourse on Living Happily in the Present Moment by Thich Nhat HanhMy review
rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is an excellent little book that manages to sum up the core of Buddhist philosophy with one sutra. Thich Nhat Hanh is always clear cut and easy to understand. This is the first discourse that I've read of his and, though it differs in style from Peace is Every Step and Living Buddha Living Christ, it in some ways spoke to me more than those two books did. When he writes "Our appointment with life is in the present moment. The place of our appointment is right here, in this very place", I had to really stop and think about that. On an intellectual level, of course, that's a basic Buddhist principle. But to put mindfulness into practice in everyday life is difficult, especially when I'm faced with work and drama of all sorts. To stop in the midst of the tornado and check in with myself, to say "here I am", it makes me a bit freaked out. When I read that passage, I was on the bus heading to a client's house and all of these questions just started coming up: what am I doing in this job? Am I in the right place? Am I associating with the kind of people I should be associating with?
I think it's far too easy to not check in with ourselves, especially with all the distractions of modern life. Change can be such a daunting thing, especially when talking about change from within. What I gleaned from this book is that it's all about babysteps - not the big "what ifs" that are so easy to get hung up on. In other words, stop worrying about the past and future and stop and look at what's happening right now.
Thanks a lot to my bff; that was some Christmas present!
View all my reviews.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Book Review: Pale Fallen Angels Parts 1 & 2
Vampire Hunter D Volume 11 by Hideyuki KikuchiMy review
rating: 4 of 5 stars
The Vampire Hunter D series is consistantly a good read. I'm always excited to see what new exploits D gets into and the crazy creatures that Hideyuki comes up with. Wonderful escapism, and it's always amusing to hear comments from people about my reading habits.
View all my reviews.
A Good Read
I've been a member of goodreads.com for a bit now, but I'm just recently starting to make use of it. It's a great tool for those of us out there who love to read and share with others. It's also a good way to keep a catalogue of your personal library - which, for me anyway, is extensive. I'm still working on the cataloguing part, mostly due to the fact that half my collection is still packed in boxes in my parent's garage!
Somewhat surprising is the fact that my mom introduced me to this website. I say this because she's not that tech savvy and doesn't do a lot of browsing online, but then again she's a librarian, so...
I'm definatly a slower reader these days than I was, but I'll keep updates coming on the newest exploits.
Somewhat surprising is the fact that my mom introduced me to this website. I say this because she's not that tech savvy and doesn't do a lot of browsing online, but then again she's a librarian, so...
I'm definatly a slower reader these days than I was, but I'll keep updates coming on the newest exploits.
Friday, January 30, 2009
A Fond Farewell...Part 1
You will be missed, MJ!
So this month I had to say goodbye to my foster cat, MJ. He came to me in October of last year and has had a tough time of it. He's 5 years old and has always been a single cat, so introducing him to Caspian was an adventure, to put it mildly. Those two fought like it was WWIII! I ended up sequestering them to two seperate rooms to prevent blood from being spilt.
Well, late in December I noticed that my allergies were coming back full force, and by early January it was really bad. I had to tell his owner that I couldn't keep him anymore and...he left last Saturday. I nearly cried! MJ was a lot of things, but first and foremost he was innocent and in need of a loving home. I really wish that I could have kept him, but he clearly needed what I couldn't provide.
First of all, let me make it clear that I loved MJ to death and spoiled him probably way too much. But, personality wise, I am a very independant person and need somewhat independant pets. MJ is a very needy cat - in fact, he can get really aggressive if he thinks he's not getting enough attention! He even went so far as to bite my friend on the ankle when she turned away to talk to someone. He also vocalizes all the time, which is partly why he had to be removed from his previous home. But what a sweetie! Despite the temper, he's really a cute cat. I'm convinced that all his quirky behavior was due primarily to the fact that he had competition in the house and was constantly being threatened by said competition.
For the longest time he shied away from me and spent most of his time around my roommate. He would stalk him day and night, howl outside his door, throw himself against his door to try to get inside his room, and guard his shoes like Cerberus guarding the gates of Hades. 
I teased my roommate all the time, saying that MJ was more than just affectionate towards him. He'd keep us up half the night with his banging at the door! And he loved to curl up behing him in the armchair. I always felt like second best - he came prowling around to me only after he'd established that his first love was unavailable - but I still gave him lots of treats for looking cute and acting nice. MJ and I worked hard on his biting and scratching; by January he was doing it a lot less (he just hissed and growled instead) and he was standing up for himself a bit more. The last fight they had was terrible, though! I thought that they might have moved past the fighting, but they were more than eager to attack each other and duke it out - to the death, if I had let them be. As it was MJ almost fell off of the back of the refridgerator and would have gotten hurt if he hadn't gotten caught on a food tray I'd left up there. Caspian sure is a bully!
Monday, January 5, 2009
A New World of Me
So it is a new year, and with that comes the typical new outlooks on life. I almost never have resolutions for the new year, but this year I decided that I will do things a bit differently. In this and future years, I am vowing to myself to move towards the next phase in my life. This is not, as I see it, a resolution in the sense that I am giving up something, or adding something that is going to be dropped later on; this is an opportunity to move myself to a higher plane of being, to really re-evaluate on a daily basis what is and is not healthy – for myself and the world – and what action or nonaction can be taken to further myself on my personal path.
The major area I would like to focus on this year is finances. I must say that I have very little experience in the world of finance; as a child I was given neither allowance nor lessons on the value of saving, etc. This is not to say that I blame my upbrining or anything, but it’s a simple fact. When I wished to buy something, I usually had only to ask for the cash and it was given to me, or not, depending on the circumstance. Now, as an adult, I am forced to self-discipline, which I have never been very good at. But I can no longer use the excuse that “I’m bad at it” to keep me from gaining control. I am working on a feasible budget that will make sense and that I can stick to; I have started drafting lists of necessities and desires, with the hope that seeing them in black and white will provide better perspective.
The one thing that really concerns me is my compulsive habit of spontaneous spending. I tend to psyche myself up into justifying a buy at the moment, and usually don’t really regret it later. This brings me to another set of changes, which can be summed up as “gaining control of self”. As an Introvert Intuitive Thinking Perceiving person (as per the Myers-Briggs), I tend to bounce around a lot - figuratively speaking. My mind is constantly racing and I can’t seem to settle on any one thing for very long. Some may call this Adult ADD – I wouldn’t know if this is an accurate diagnosis, as I haven’t been tested for it. Whether it is or isn’t, I think my focus should lie entirely on overcoming the mental chaos. Somewhere along the way I have forgotten the lessons I learned through Buddhism and meditation: remain centered, acknowledge and release, transform the negative into a positive, etc. Recalling some of my poems from 2004, I can clearly see a different me, a me that was more quiet, more reflective. I have lost some of that, I think, and it must be regained if I am to create a me that is whole. There are times now when I feel that it is too hard to think, even.
So, how do I move forward to reach these goals? I could say the typical things: meditate each day, eat right, exercise, write every day, knit, record every penny spent and saved, etc, etc. These are resolutions that have a high potential of failure, so I’m not going to focus on them. Of course they’re important, but I think that what will help me the most at this time is to focus on reflection, daily reflection, whether it be written, as this is, or simply mental. Knowing myself to the extent that I currently do, I have faith that, upon reflecting for a time, however small that time is, the choices that I need to make will become abundantly clear, as will the will to go forward and bring them to action. As the great mage says, there is only do or do not. There is no try.
The major area I would like to focus on this year is finances. I must say that I have very little experience in the world of finance; as a child I was given neither allowance nor lessons on the value of saving, etc. This is not to say that I blame my upbrining or anything, but it’s a simple fact. When I wished to buy something, I usually had only to ask for the cash and it was given to me, or not, depending on the circumstance. Now, as an adult, I am forced to self-discipline, which I have never been very good at. But I can no longer use the excuse that “I’m bad at it” to keep me from gaining control. I am working on a feasible budget that will make sense and that I can stick to; I have started drafting lists of necessities and desires, with the hope that seeing them in black and white will provide better perspective.
The one thing that really concerns me is my compulsive habit of spontaneous spending. I tend to psyche myself up into justifying a buy at the moment, and usually don’t really regret it later. This brings me to another set of changes, which can be summed up as “gaining control of self”. As an Introvert Intuitive Thinking Perceiving person (as per the Myers-Briggs), I tend to bounce around a lot - figuratively speaking. My mind is constantly racing and I can’t seem to settle on any one thing for very long. Some may call this Adult ADD – I wouldn’t know if this is an accurate diagnosis, as I haven’t been tested for it. Whether it is or isn’t, I think my focus should lie entirely on overcoming the mental chaos. Somewhere along the way I have forgotten the lessons I learned through Buddhism and meditation: remain centered, acknowledge and release, transform the negative into a positive, etc. Recalling some of my poems from 2004, I can clearly see a different me, a me that was more quiet, more reflective. I have lost some of that, I think, and it must be regained if I am to create a me that is whole. There are times now when I feel that it is too hard to think, even.
So, how do I move forward to reach these goals? I could say the typical things: meditate each day, eat right, exercise, write every day, knit, record every penny spent and saved, etc, etc. These are resolutions that have a high potential of failure, so I’m not going to focus on them. Of course they’re important, but I think that what will help me the most at this time is to focus on reflection, daily reflection, whether it be written, as this is, or simply mental. Knowing myself to the extent that I currently do, I have faith that, upon reflecting for a time, however small that time is, the choices that I need to make will become abundantly clear, as will the will to go forward and bring them to action. As the great mage says, there is only do or do not. There is no try.
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